I write this blog post with a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes (and actually had to stop halfway through to have a big cry!).
It’s been an interesting few weeks….what with Christmas and New Year…but aside from those….I went through more releasing and healing (yes….Spirit fucking love to keep me on my toes with releasing emotions!!!).
Some background for you
In December 2018 I was feeling in some kind of weird energy.
I could feel myself going through a huge uplevel and transition and could get a better sense of where I was being called to go in my life and business.
It felt weird though…almost like I was in some sort of limbo.
On the one hand, I could see the old me. The person I used to be 6 months+ ago…the one who’d walked away from my marriage and decided to start afresh as a single parent to a 3 year old, with fuck all money, no job and a brand new business.
Man, she had balls to walk away!!! But she trusted in the Divine guidance she was receiving and knew that she’d be caught as she took that leap.
And she was caught!
And I could see and feel the new me with fire in her steps and a sense of purpose that knows no bounds! She’s a fierce woman to be reckoned with!
Has it been easy??!! Fuck no!!!!!! Transitioning from a family unit of 3 to being a single parent with no job (it was a temporary contract which had ended right before I left my husband…what are the chances hey?!?! LOL!) and building a brand new business online is fucking hard!!!!
Has it been worth it?!?! Fuck yes!!!! A million times over!!!!! Because it’s who I’ve become in the process that has been the most liberating!
And that’s why in December 2018…6 months after leaving my marriage…I was feeling in that limbo energy. Because I could see the 2 parts of the same person…and yet they felt so alien to me.
I could feel it bubbling up inside of me, to step out of my own way more, to say fuck off to ego, to just move forwards in my life and my business with passion, purpose and fire in my steps on my mission to show others how to get lit the fuck up and be the whole damn fire.
And then it happened….
Right after Christmas.
I noticed a weird calmness about me. Like I wasn’t scared anymore. I didn’t feel afraid of the future. I just knew that this is what I had to do and where I was supposed to go.
I just knew.
Yes I could still hear my ego….that annoying shitty voice we all have that tells us not to do something or not to grow too big or push ourselves further….but it wasn’t bothering me so much this time.
I just knew that I had to do this. I had to fully step into my purpose…..a million percent.
What a difference 6 months makes
It’s since Christmas that I’ve realised how far I’ve actually come in 6 months! And that’s why I liken myself to the phoenix….risen from the ashes in the fire of her own strength!
Because let me tell you it’s never going to be fucking easy to walk away from a marriage…especially when children are involved.
But believe me…it’s what makes you!
We’d been together 11 years….that was just less than a third of my life! That’s a long time to be with someone…nearly a third of your life!!!
Back in June 2018 when I was contemplating leaving….I was scared shitless. Truly I was. I was scared mainly about how I’d cope financially. How would I be able to afford a house and pay for utilities and food….all the essentials. But I knew that I’d be fine. Deep down I knew I would be and that Spirit had my back. I have some very pushy Spirit Guides with me….matching my energy LOL….but I knew that I couldn’t continue to stay in a relationship that neither of us were happy with.
And I didn’t want our daughter growing up seeing our relationship as her primary example of 2 people being together. I want her to grow up seeing 2 people very much in love…so that she knows not to accept anything less than a loving relationship.
And actually…that it was all for my own highest purpose anyway as that relationship helped me to step fully into my Authentic Self as the person my soul truly is and who I am supposed to be.
It served it’s purpose…and for that…I’m grateful!
Because in the 6 months since I walked away, I have experienced a huge shift in my personal life and in my business!
- I’ve learnt how to set boundaries with others…and with myself…so that I understand fully what is expected of me and know when to say “enough is enough” and walk away from a person or situation…like I’ve had to do countless times in these last 6 months.
- I’ve created a business from just being myself – no longer am I scared to be me – I’ve been fully stepping into myself and my soul’s purpose to empower other women to get lit up and be the whole damn fire. THAT is my purpose!
- I’ve learnt more about myself than I ever have done before – namely that I no longer have a tolerance for other people’s bullshit. Why the fuck should I?! If people want to be shitty, they can take their energy elsewhere….I’m no longer interested! And I have no issue saying it like that either….because my time and energy are super fucking precious and I don’t tolerate others bullshit or their limiting beliefs.
- I’ve learnt how to fully embrace myself and to know – and be ok with – the fact that I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…I never will be…because I tell it how it is, I’m blunt…and the type of Empath I am triggers the fuck out of people…and not everyone is ready for that kind of energy! But hey..it’s who I am!
- I’ve understood what it’s like to make every penny count because of needing to pay for a house, utilities, food and childcare…and be ok with accepting government support whilst I find my feet in my business….but sticking to my guns knowing that this is my purpose and I have to continue with my purpose in order to reap the rewards of the abundance I know I will have and which I deserve.
And so here we are…like a phoenix risen from the ashes
And here we are…the phoenix that I so lovingly reference.
I truly feel like a fucking phoenix!!! And as such I want to get a phoenix tattoo!
Because I’ve been through the hurt and the pain and the eating disorder (bulimic in my early 20s) and the depression and anxiety and the lack of self-love and self-worth.
I’ve been through all of those for the last 20 years.
20 fucking years!
That’s a long time to go through shit!!!
But that was the whole point of it….that by going through all that shit…experiencing all that hurt and pain from others and what I directed at myself (bulimia is very much about self-hatred)….I could use those experiences to build my armour and my tools to move forwards with my soul’s purpose.
I chose some big fucking lessons though! Might need to reconsider what I choose in my next life haha!
And that’s why I feel like a phoenix rising from the ashes of the girl I used to be.
The girl who I have the upmost honour and respect and love for. Because she literally walked through fire to get to where I am now. Hence why I lit a candle for her whilst writing this blog…to honour her Spirit.
And I’ve no intention of slowing down.
I’m just getting started.
Just warming up for the greatest show of my life! And that’s stepping fully into my Authentic Self, fully being who I have always been and who I am supposed to be.
I’m just getting started!!!!