This is the message my soul wants to say today.
Or maybe it’s my human.
Fuck you to the shitty experiences we have to go through as soulful beings in order to ascend with our existence.
Fuck you to the human chaos.
Fuck you to dealing with arseholes.
Fuck you to dealing with government systems that are fucking shit and don’t support single parents.
Especially single parents growing a business.
Fuck you to exes who don’t pay what they should pay for their child.
This is my message today.
Almost a year ago I left a shitty relationship.
Toxic inside and out.
And I couldn’t give a flying fuck who reads this blog post and who gets their knickers in a twist with what I’m writing.
Almost a year ago (a year on 26th June) I said no more to a relationship that brought me down and made me feel shit about myself.
I claimed back me.
I stood my ground for my self-worth and my fucking sanity and said no more.
Enough is enough.
I stood up for myself and my daughter and claimed back my power.
Hardest decision to make to leave a marriage when a young child is involved but sometimes we have to make these decisions in order to grow.
And to leave karmic situations behind.
Because fucking hell was that relationship karmic as fuck!
But I’m glad I did.
It’s been the hardest year of my life.
Even harder than going through depression multiple times due to shitty job experiences that left me tearing my hair out with frustration and stress.
The hardest year of my life.
It’s what my soul chose.
An experience I had to go through.
Because my soul was ready for it.
And I needed that experience as a catalyst for my growth.
But nothing tests us more than leaving a shitty relationship, being a single parent, rebuilding our self-esteem and self-worth, having to support ourselves financially and having to deal with added anxiety and stress.
In the past year I’ve been brought back to the brink of depression again.
I’ve experienced a fight with emotional eating again taking me back to my early 20s and the bulimia I dealt with back then.
There have been times in the past year where I’ve cried so much and so hard that I’ve wanted to vomit just to release the emotion.
But I held on and didn’t…because I don’t want to go back to the bulimia.
There have been times where I have felt so totally and deeply alone.
That I’ve not been able to speak to people close to me for whatever reason. Maybe not realising how much I really needed someone to speak to or someone just to come and give me a hug or just be there for me in whatever capacity.
Dealing with solictors.
Dealing with useless fucking government employees regarding the benefits I’ve been entitled to as a single parent.
Dealing with complicated online systems just to get childcare paid for that I’m entitled to but yet nothing seems to be geared up for self-employed single parents.
Having to stay strong and positive for my 4 year old daughter.
Breaking down in front of her when the pressure got too much despite me not wanting her to see me like that – bless her, she offered to bring me one of her favourite books and give me a cuddle.
That’s how I feel right now.
Soul lesson after soul lesson.
Test after test.
Having to set huge fucking boundaries with all the freebie hunters dropping into my inbox looking for free psychic guidance or free coaching instead of paying me for the work I do.
Setting huge fucking boundaries with people in general who sought to drain my energy or take take take from me.
Commiting to growing a business that my soul has been destined to grow.
Fighting with my ego.
Fighting with my shadows.
Fighting with the lack of self-belief and lack of self-worth that I’ve had to deal with most of my life.
Rebuilding who I am from the ground up.
From the ashes.
Hardest fucking year of my life.
And yet as I sit here and type this furiously with angry tears streaming down my face (writing is my outlet, I find it very cathartic) I’m reminded of my daughter.
My beautiful Maya.
Her smiling happy face smiling through the photo on my desk.
Reminding me of who the fuck I am.
Reminding me that all this is for us.
For her and I.
Partners in crime.
She tests the fuck out of me.
Headstrong and independent…just like me.
I met my match with her!
But fuck me do I love her to bits!
She’s my saviour.
She’s the reason I had to walk away from a shitty relationship.
To give her a better future.
So she could grow up with both her parents happy…but separate…so she could be around better energy instead of the shitty energy that was manifesting in our lives as we were both unhappy.
She’s my reason for being.
Her smiling face lights me up and I’m reminded of how far we’ve both come in the last year. With me rebuilding who I am and her having to get used to not having her daddy around all the time. Some days she gets upset and says she misses him but she’s happy with her little routine of when she sees each of us and her time at nursery.
She’s my whole life. And perhaps the reason why this whole journey can be so fucking difficult at times. Because this isn’t about me. It’s about her and I.
It’s about me building my foundations so fucking strong that they can’t be tampered with.
It’s about me building a life for us both that feeds both our souls.
It’s about me being a role model for her to show her what’s possible.
Despite what some negative nellies tell you that you can’t do…there’s always something you can do to build your life how you want.
Who the fuck says you have to settle for mediocre?!
To just settle and be happy with your lot.
How fucking boring is that when we are limitless beings with endless potential available to us.
The only thing stopping us is our human.
Ego and shadows.
Scared to be all in with ourselves.
Scared to take leaps of faith.
Scared to take the path of uncertainty which we know is the right path to take but it scares the crap out of us in case….
…in case what?!
You fall flat on your face?!
You become a laughing stock?!
In case what?!
Or…we just say FUCK YOU to whatever is holding us back and keeping us small and just do the damn thing anyway.
Leave the shitty relationship.
Leave the shitty job.
Go after our dreams.
Whatever it takes…we have to surrender to our soul and just trust that when we take a leap of faith…no matter how big that leap…that we will be caught.
I took a big leap of faith a year ago when I chose to end my relationship. I didn’t know how things were going to work out or what was in store for me. But I owed it to myself and to Maya to just leap…and build my wings on the way down.
Like a phoenix rising…ashes to ashes…we rise from the flames that sought to burn us.
Our scars become our badges of honour.
We brush away things that no longer serve us. People, situations, experiences, shadows, ego.
We let go of everything in order to become one with ourself.
Fuck you is how I feel right now. Lesson after lesson from Spirit and the Universe. Testing my limits. Testing my boundaries. Testing how fucking much I truly want this life that my soul chose. Testing me over and over again…because when I don’t show up for myself and for my soul, the Universe lets me know.
With a big 10 tonne fucking truck.
Forcing me into doing what has held me back for so long but yet which will set me free from the cage of ego and shadows that most of us hide behind unknowingly.
But I know all about it. Which is why I end up kicking myself over and over again when things come knocking at my door to push me deeper into my soul’s work and my journey.
The work that I’m fully aware of me being here to do which goes above and beyond anything I could have possibly imagined for myself until less than a year ago when it became so fucking clear to me.
Our greatest gift we can give to ourselves is to honour our soul and the purpose we came here for.
Some of us are here for huge fucking missions. Collective consciousness. Transcendence. Shattering paradigms. Smashing through ego and shadow programming. Showing up fully as limitless fucking beings here with an endless supply of abundant possibilities. And to show others the way. To help them become who they are supposed to be as the epic fucking leaders they are.
But to get there…we’ve gotta experience life and everything that comes with being human.
The experiences that rock us to our core.
That force us into a corner so we can come out fighting.
The experiences that are so hard to deal with at times because they push us to the limits of what we once thought capable of ourselves.
Forcing us to remember who the fuck we actually are.
Remembering our soul.
Remembering our mission and our purpose.
And waking up to the soul consciousness that resides within us underneath the human.
Fuck you is my motto today as the angry tears have streamed down my face and the anxiety has caused me to nearly have a panic attack.
Fuck you at yet another push from the Universe into showing up fully for myself and playing on a bigger and far wider scale.
And fuck you to those who sought to crush my self-worth and self-esteem.
Because when I chose to rise up…I chose to rise up as the whole fucking fire.
Fire in my soul.
Fire in my blood.
Fire in my bones.
I am the fire.
The phoenix rising from the ashes of my so-called life.
Rebuilding who I am.
Establishing strong as fuck foundations that won’t be rocked.
Boundaries on point as to what I will and will not accept.
Standing my ground as to who I am and the work my soul came here to do.
People can test me. Experiences can rock me. Situations can try to shake me.
But fuck you.
I’m here for the long-haul with my soul’s work and I’ll choose to rise again and again until the day I die.