I write this from my own depths of despair as I’m processing a trauma response through the lens of PTSD.
As old, buried emotions are coming to the surface to be felt, seen and transmuted.
I’m a Healer – but yet I’m asking my Spirit team to help me.
I feel powerless.
Waves of emotion racing through me after something innocuous triggered a huge emotional reaction within me.
Fight or flight.
That immediate “on” switch that you don’t know how to turn off.
“They” tell you to stop and think in the moment. To breathe. To think before acting.
But how the fuck do you do that when the emotion rips through you and you become blinded by it?
How the fuck do you stop to “think” when your immediate response is survival?
Fight or flight.
When the adrenaline is pumping and you have a surge of anger within you that is – technically – designed to get you out of a bit of a pickle.
Well, this pickle is pickling – and the situation isn’t helping me.
I’ve been aware for about 2 years now that I have PTSD from my childhood.
A delayed trauma response to a violent childhood where I heard and witnessed things between my parents.
Where I became numb to it all.
The thing is, I can hardly remember my childhood.
And part of me feels guilty.
That it wasn’t all bad. That we had good times. That we went on holiday. We had a good home.
But the other part of me remembers the sadness. The sitting in the bedroom with my younger brother as we sobbed together – frightened – because of the noise and the violence downstairs.
I can’t remember much.
I’m fully aware that I disassociated from myself.
That perhaps – part of my soul left me so as not to be too traumatised.
It wasn’t until a couple of years ago that I even realised I had trauma.
How do you address trauma?
How do you address trauma with your family? Your friends? People who you should be able to turn to but don’t feel that you can?
Many a time – including now as I write this for my own cathartic reasons and also to help whoever is reading this – I feel so alone.
So deeply, deeply alone in this world.
I have tried to broach the subject of trauma with my parents – but I get dismissed.
It gets brushed away.
“Oh I think most people have got some kind of trauma”, my dad once told me.
Whereas my mum would feel that it was a personal attack on her to bring my feelings up with her.
I’ve never felt comfortable with being emotional around my mum.
Even writing this, there’s a fear someone will read it who knows her – or my mum herself will see it.
But these words wanted to come out of me.
So to you, the Reader, you have my full transparency in this moment as I navigate my own trauma.
Riding that wave.
Searching for healing. For respite.
As a Spiritual Healer myself, I know that the answers for healing are always found within our Shadows.
Both this lifetime and other lifetimes.
As a deeply Spiritual person, I’m fully aware that things “crop up” for us synchronistically when we are ready to dive into that particular aspect of our psyche.
Less than a week ago, a similar trauma response was initiate within me.
That familiar “fight or flight”.
The adrenaline coursing through me as anger raged through every aspect of my being.
2 weeks prior to that, another trauma response after I was deeply triggered from a situation I was both part of and witness to.
So, as with anything synchronistic, I dive it.
I know that with synchronicities that it is time to “go there”.
Even when we don’t feel ready at a conscious level.
Our Higher Self knows.
It’s like opening the Pandora’s Box to something that has been trying to come out – but that we couldn’t hold the energetic frequency until now.
As much as I don’t like to admit it, I have a lot of rage within me.
It just pulses inside of me.
Pulsating within me.
Waiting to be unlocked.
With anything to do with trauma, we can become numb to it.
Switching off our own desires and our own needs in order to be in survival mode.
Because that is what trauma is. A response to not feeling safe.
To our very life force feeling threatened.
We go into survival mode. We shut down. Our nervous system becomes heightened as we get ready to “flee”.
We can tell ourselves over and over again that we are safe, but if our subconscious mind doesn’t believe it, we’ll never feel it.
That is why we have to venture into our psyche.
Into the Hidden Realms of our psyche. Our subconscious. Into the Darkness and the Shadows.
To face the trauma and to release it.
The thing with trauma – whether people agree or disagree with me – is that from my own perspective from someone who has experienced trauma and PTSD personally and as someone who is a Spiritual Healer & Shamanic Healer – is that it is Shadow energy.
It is all Shadow energy.
Both Shadow from this lifetime and from other lifetimes.
It is an energetic imbalance in our Energy Field that is creating this trauma within us where we feel lost to our full self. Where we do not feel whole.
I am deeply aware that I have this trauma myself. That I have PTSD. That it is part of my journey to heal this myself as a Healer.
Because I want to understand the roots of the trauma. The Energetic Root of it all.
But I often feel very alone. That there is nobody to turn to. Nobody who can fully appreciate where I am coming from.
Doctors don’t understand and in my experience will forever fob you off with medication that is simply a band aid to the root.
Family – especially those who were part of the trauma – can’t understand you and find it hard to discuss with you because they feel like you’re blaming them.
I never am – I simply choose to explore everything so I can piece myself back together again.
A bit like Humpty Dumpty lol.
Friends don’t always understand you – especially if they’ve never been through it themselves.
And so you find yourself lost.
Trying to navigate this trauma yourself and heal it.
At least, that is my experience.
As a Healer myself, I want to be able to heal this myself.
To piece myself back together again.
To feel whole again in my identity.
Instead of disconnecting from myself and my inner pain through anything I can to numb it all.
Emotional eating (I have spent over half my life with various eating disorders and controlled eating).
Going within into my cocoon to shut myself off from the world.
Burying the emotions and the pain deeply within because that has been my coping mechanism for the trauma all my life.
To bury my emotions.
To not express my needs.
To shut myself off from everything so as to appear strong.
Even though at times I’m breaking on the inside.
Feeling chaotic and out of control.
The irony is not lost on me about the concept of the Wounded Healer.
Where the wounded, becomes the Healer to themselves and others.
We can look to the the asteroid Chiron in our birth chart – known as the Wounded Healer – and the irony being that I have Chiron in Aries in my 6th house (sidereal/vedic astrology) which is all about healing my own identity (Aries) and being the healer (6th house).
As a Shamanic Healer – as a Spiritual Healer – and as a powerful Catalyst for Self-Transformation & Healing, I know from my own experience and that of my clients that the only way to truly heal something is to face it head on.
To journey into your Darkness – into your Shadows – to find the root. The Energetic Root. To heal yourself at the root.
Which, in my experience, is found within the Multidimensional Shadow.
The Shadow that is formed in other lifetimes but which is still very present in this lifetime as we bring that energy with us when we incarnate.
The way to heal, is to go within.
To journey within.
To find the lost aspects of our Soul – to retrieve our Soul fragments – and make ourselves whole again.
Our Divine Truth.